The Broken Rocker

Desperate for answers that would bring about change, I had been uncharacteristically brave and made the decision to fly to Phoenix, Arizona for a week long intensive. It was not the flying there that was the problem, it was the forty minute (or so) drive, after midnight, to the retreat center where I would be staying in Carefree, Arizona. I had not visited Arizona before, so the drive, at night and alone, was unnerving. Our highways – four lanes at most – do not compare to the highway I was about to navigate. In preparation, after searching online, I found an expandable map that simulated an actual drive – and drive it I did – over and over again. When the time came to actually do it, my preparation stood in good stead and I found my way much easier than I anticipated – while seeking and receiving direction and wisdom from the Holy Spirit! When I look back to my state of being five years ago, I realize how fearful I was, lacking in self confidence and without a shred of belief in my abilities. I saw myself as completely disqualified from God’s love and promises. My self image was so poor it was very difficult to meet and be with new people. I could not relax enough to enjoy being present or enjoy the people I was with. I was too afraid of the mistakes I might make and that they may see “who I really was.”

After the preliminary introductions my facilitator and I began work. Fortunately I had done other intensives, so this was not entirely new to me but it was definitely an approach I was not familiar with. I had travelled a long way and I had decided from touchdown to wheels up I was throwing myself into it – making every moment count!

As we started to work, we quickly identified that I was filled with shame. It had been a common phrase in my home “You should be ashamed of yourself!” And after years of being told this, and committing the behaviors that in my mind justified the shame, there was no doubt – I was ashamed of myself! My facilitator, Audrey, began to pray with me, lovingly and with great sensitivity. Without any prompting, I began to see an image of a thick, dark animal pelt draped over my heart. It seemed to be coated with a black, oily substance and I was given the understanding it was suffocating my heart. As I began to share what I was seeing, we prayerfully sent it away. We began to write into my heart the Truth that Jesus became my shame – He bore my shame, paying the price so I would not have to. Immediately I felt lighter – an oppressive weight noticeably gone, my heart feeling white and clean. I was free to breath in truth and new life. I knew shame was gone and I have never experienced it since that time.

Audrey began to thoughtfully ask me if I could recall the first time I remembered feeling shame. As I sat quietly, the first memory began to emerge. As I shared it with her, the tears began to flow. I had never understood the significance this event had – it being the catalyst to the corruption of my original identity – who I believed myself to be. Nor did I have any idea of the significance the following moments would have in being the catalyst to my transformation!

“Look what you did” the angry voice shouted. I had fallen to the floor, the pieces of the wooden rocker lying on the floor around me. At maybe three years old, I was struggling to understand what had happened. But somehow, even though I didn’t understand it, my heart heard loud and clear – it was my fault, I was to blame. I was to blame for the broken rocker and for the unhappiness and anger of the person who was rocking me. Confused and afraid, I felt hopelessly alone. The seed was planted that I was “bad.” And thus began the process of the corruption of my God given identity which continued up to that day, many years later, sitting in the beautiful Arizona sun beside a pool with someone who cared enough to be the servant of God who would minister grace and truth to a wounded, battle weary, hurting sister who was desperately seeking a changed life.

Her face filled with gentle care and compassion, she asked me to bow my head. She began to lead me through an exercise which would become my first ever moments – lifechanging and transformative – of being loved by Jesus, feeling the power and depths of His love – “live”, first hand, present tense. I don’t recall what she prayed as all my focus was on what I was experiencing in my heart. Seeing myself sitting broken hearted and afraid, with no possibilities for a way out of this, Jesus in pure white, radiating love, was suddenly there, scooping me up in His arms. I began to process this new turn of events, as the scene continued to unfold. Jesus held me in His arms, as we faced the broken rocker on the floor and the distraught, angry person beside it. I was completely captivated by everything about Him. The warmth of His assuring smile, the overwhelming sense of being safe with Him. I was in a pure white sleeper, the slight curls of my blonde hair framing my face. I had never experienced being so accepted, and so loved. The emotion of the person by the rocker still filled the room but we were set apart from it, safe. There are no human words in any human language that could adequately express the emotion I felt as I was filled with His love. I never wanted to leave the safety of His arms, or be apart from the warmth of His love spilling from His face and eyes and into my heart. This image – and the emotion I saw and felt in His face and arms remains with me to this day. And that was the beginning of the restoration of my God created and intended identity. This was Day One of a journey that continues as the destructive lies of who I believed myself to be are sent away and the truth of Who God is and who He says I am replace the destructive with Spirit Life!

Proverbs 30:8 (TPT) Empty out of my heart everything that is false— every lie, and every crooked thing. And give me neither undue poverty nor undue wealth— but rather, feed my soul with the measure of prosperity that pleases you.

This post is exciting for me to publish. Thank you for sharing in it with me. Stay tune for upcoming posts as I share more on my amazing journey to a transformed heart that you can experience too!